


Tell Me Why

by rickbisexualgrimes



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Divorce, Heartbreak, Heartbreaking, Jealousy, M/M, Post-Divorce, Relationship Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-23
Updated: 2017-09-28
Packaged: 2018-11-29 08:08:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11436702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rickbisexualgrimes/pseuds/rickbisexualgrimes
Summary: Two years have gone by since the divorce and Rick has failed to move on. The one question that Rick has is if Negan has moved on too?





	1. You Made a Fool of Me

**Author's Note:**

> Day 2 of Regan week, topic : AU.

_Rick's eyes were so watery he could barely see in front of him but the time had already passed. He had already destroyed himself. Finally he was driving back home from a building that he never wanted to see again. An hour ago he gave up on his marriage, an hour ago he lost the love of his life, an hour ago he signed the divorce papers. There was no amount of preparation that could have made that any easier and it really hurt to see Negan casually signing like it didn't mean anything._

  
_He parked the car outside of the house he once shared memories with Negan, where they had holiday dinners, raised Judith together, laughed, cried, made love and everything in between. And yet, they still fell apart so harshly. Rick felt like he was living some pathetic cliche. His fingers danced around the bottle of vodka that he pulled from the cupboard. It was late in the afternoon and he was already drinking the pain away. Rick wanted to pass the hell out so he could forget this nightmare. But in the morning he was going to wake up to the reality that he was divorced._

 

 

_Thankfully Judith was over at Beth's while Carl would be home later in the day._

_Even though they had been separated for a while and living in separate homes he had never brought himself to take down the photos. Not even once. Rick stared at the pictures where him and Negan looked happiest. There was one photo that was particularly difficult to look at; their wedding day. It was of them laughing at the reception with cake all over their faces but they weren't faking one second of it. Unlike the last half of their marriage to one another._

_Rick took another swig of the vodka but made sure to have a glass of water so he wouldn't get dehydrated. He reached for the photo of them and smashed it on the ground violently. What was the point of looking at it anymore? No one would miss it, no one would care if it was locked away out of the frame. Tears were streaming down his cheeks then he stepped on a piece of glass. Rick pulled the small shard out of his foot and noticed_ _there was only a bit blood then he hobbled to the bathroom. He looked under the sink for the small first aid kit that was kept there for emergencies and found a large band aid to stop the bleeding._

 

 

  
_Looking at the bed they used to share was like swallowing razors and coughing them up again. Unbearable. Rick kept drinking the bottle like there was no tomorrow and he got so drunk that he couldn't stand up straight. Everything was spinning, the whole room was like a merry go round. This was all he was going to be from now on, a pathetic shell that can't help but drown himself in a bottle. A memory of when they got crazy drunk together in the bed and watched horror movies til they passed out was rampaging through his mind. Being with Negan made him feel young again, made him feel like anything was possible._

 

_At some point he ended up passing out near his bed rather than in it. His body was being shaken profusely as he started waking up. Ricks eyes flickered open to find his son staring at him worried._

  
_Carl touched his face like he was fragile, "Dad.. why are you on the ground? Are you okay?"_

  
_"Yeah I'm fine.. I just passed out." Rick tilted his head towards the bottle._

  
_"Today was probably hard on you, it was hard on me too.."_

  
_"I know and I'd never act like none of this has affected you and Judy. But I don't think I can survive this.. he's gone and I can't-." Rick wasn't bothering to cover up his tears at this point, this whole thing was shitty in general._

_He started sobbing into his hands and his breathing was becoming irregular. It was obviously an anxiety attack that he needed to ride out. Carl was kneeling on the ground holding him tightly. He kept whispering to him that he'd be okay._

_And after what felt like an eternity of crying his own son helped him into the bed he once shared with the love of his life. The bed he would be sleeping alone in tonight. Carl left a glass of water by the bed stand, alongside pain killers just in case and retreated to his own room._

_Rick wasn't going to survive this._

* * *

 

 

The holidays should be a time where you feel at least semi relaxed here and there but instead for Rick it was just a reminder of things. Two years had passed since the divorce and truthfully he wasn't over it. Everyone knew it and Carl especially knew it which had him confused as to why he invited Negan to the house, with his new girlfriend. They were all going to be having Christmas dinner together, mainly for Judith's case. She knew exactly what she was doing and it wasn't going to work. Not everyone wanted their parents to get back together after a divorce but Judith was the exception. She was almost ten years old and was smarter than all of them combined.

 

 

Rick had already bought the turkey, the items to make the fixings, the booze and everything else he'd need for the holidays. Apparently upon Judith's request she wanted Negan to stay all the way to New Years. Rick had pretended he was okay with that but he actually was far from okay.

 

 

  
In a couple of minutes they would arrive and it was an understatement to say that Rick was nervous about it. He saw Negan a lot because they shared custody of Judy and so he was used to seeing his face. But the last time he came to get her something happened. They ended up kissing each other in the laundry room and things almost escalated. He swore not to say anything to Negan's girlfriend, then they left it alone.

 

 

  
"I can't believe you let him bring her.." Carl was doing some last minute clean up in the kitchen. He had become quite the cook over time, he was going to help make the dinner even.

 

 

  
Rick patted his shoulder, "I had no choice."

 

 

  
"You had a choice and you could've told dad not to bring that bitch."

 

 

  
"Carl! Don't speak like that."

 

 

  
"No! It's true dad. She's not nice and she doesn't even like kids. And I over heard her talking to someone on the phone last time I was there. " Carl retorted.

 

 

  
"So? People talk on the phone all the time."

 

 

  
Carl quirked his eye brow, "She told whoever it was that she couldn't wait to have their hands on her again."

 

 

  
Having a conversation like this with his son was awkward but how was it that Negan picked a person like that to date. And this was the woman that his daughter was subjected to be around. Apparently they had only been dating for six months but Negan had a string of short lived relationships since the divorce. Which brought Rick a twisted kind of joy because it meant he was doing no better than him.

 

 

  
"Thanks for the... information Carl."

 

 

 

"Anytime. Oh and even if you don't get back together with dad, you deserve to be happy."

 

 

  
Before Rick could respond the door was ringing and ringing and ringing. Whoever was doing that clearly wanted to be obnoxious.

 

 

 

For a moment he almost hoped Carl would answer the door for him but instead he just stood there.

 

 

 

"You have to answer it on your own, dad. "

 

 

 

Rick gritted his teeth then rushed towards the front door and stood in front of it for a moment. Even though he knew they heard him coming he didn't want to open it too quickly. Seeing his new girlfriend face to face was going to be like swallowing vomit. And he wanted to savor the not so bad taste in his mouth. Rick put on the most fake smile possible and unlocked the door, opened it and stared at Negan and his really young girlfriend.

 

 

  
"Hey, Rick." Negan gave him a soft smile that dissipated when he gestured towards Sherry. "This is my girlfriend, Sherry."

 

 

  
Rick nodded, "Yeah , I know her name."

 

 

  
"Well, um, where's my princess? I've got a lot of gifts for her, shes pretty damn spoiled this Christmas. "

 

 

  
He looked at the copious amounts of gifts that Negan bought the kids and Rick's heart started to swell. Why did he have to love this asshole still?

 

 

  
"Come in." Rick held the door open further and felt them both brush past him. He could smell pine tree scented cologne and strawberries.

 

 

  
"Did you do some um, new decorating?"

 

 

  
"Yeah, Carl wanted me to change some things around."

 

 

  
Negan avoided eye contact, "Our kid's a decorator and a chef, you know he tried to get me to buy new couches? Apparently my purple sofa is tacky."

 

 

  
"It sounds tacky." Rick smirked.

 

 

  
"Hey, you know I'm the one with the taste here.. and that's a fucking fact."

 

 

  
Sherry coughed awkwardly, "Where do we put _our_ things?"

 

 

  
The way she emphasized the 'our' part of that sentence made Rick want to throw her luggage outside but he took a deep breath. "In the guest room."

 

 

"I'll show her where it is, hey dad." Carl nodded towards Negan.

 

  
"Hey, there's my favorite kid."

 

  
Judith came out of nowhere and was glaring, "I thought I was your favorite,daddy?"

 

  
"Fine, you're both my favorites. C'mere princess, I missed ya!"

 

  
She ran in Negan's direction and didn't stop until she was clutching onto his legs. It was a picture perfect moment that deserved to be documented. But it would definitely be awkward for Sherry. Not that Rick really cared if she felt uncomfortable.

 

  
Judith gasped at all the wrapped gifts that weren't put under the tree yet, "Are those for me?!"

 

 

  
"Not all of them honey, but a lot of them are definitely for you. I can't wait to see you open em."

 

 

  
She hugged him once more then ran off to go watch a TV show in the living room. The last time she was this happy was when she face timed with Negan a day or so ago.

 

 

Once Carl led Sherry upstairs to the guest room it was just them alone together downstairs. There wasn't an awkwardness in the air, more like a desire to break the space between them. At one point Rick would have thought being intimate would fix them, help repair their relationship and it was foolish. But when you're desperate, you're really desperate. Rick eyed the older man up and down deliberately just to see what reaction he'd get.

 

 

  
"I see what you're trying to fucking do you sly fox." Negan whispered.

 

 

  
Rick shrugged his shoulders, "What do you mean?"

 

 

  
"Don't play that innocent look, I know what you want."

 

 

  
"And what do I want, Negan?"

 

 

  
Negan shook his head slowly, his tongue was flicking inside his mouth. "You want me."

 

 

  
How was it that he always knew exactly what Rick wanted or needed? Was he making it too obvious that he still loved him? Or did Negan just think he wanted sex only?

 

 

  
"You're gettin ahead of yourself, don't you think?" Rick responded. "It wasn't me who kissed you that last time."

 

 

  
"I thought we weren't gonna bring that up?"

 

 

  
"And I thought you didn't want to be with me anymore? Guess we both went back on our words."

 

 

  
Negan looked at him with a defeated look on his face, "Guess so but it doesn't change where we're at."

 

 

  
"Whatever you say."

 

 

  
"I'm with Sherry now and I'm happy."

 

 

  
Rick had to use all his strength to not roll his eyes, "Okay." He had no intention of standing around debating each other's happiness anymore, so he turned around to go to the kitchen. And this was usually Negans cue to follow him , to continue whatever fight they were having, but he didn't. Instead he could hear shoes stomping up the stairs.

 

* * *

 

 

  
Since he was too emotionally exhausted to attempt to cook any dinner he decided to order take out. Carl was offering to make some food but Rick wouldn't hear it. He called a local Chinese food restaurant and placed his order, they would be coming in an hour so he relaxed until then. Rick was tempted to pass out in the living room later just to avoid hearing anything coming from the guest room. The walls were a bit thin in certain areas of the house.

 

  
No one was coming out of their rooms aside from Judith who was dancing around wearing a fairy outfit. His shit mood was turned around when he watched her burst into fits of laughter.

 

  
After she got tuckered out from being goofy they settled down on the couch and Judith decided she wanted to watch Adventure Time. And truth be told Rick actually enjoyed the show himself because he'd always loved cartoons. They watched a few episodes before the food finally arrived.

 

  
Rick paid the delivery guy but didn't give a tip because he was acting weird towards him, almost sleazy. He closed the door and Carl was suddenly taking the bags to the kitchen with him.

 

  
"You don't have to help me, I can carry bags by myself." Rick said.

 

  
Carl waved him off, "I want to help and I can tell you're stressed."

 

  
"I ain't stressed."

 

  
"Yes, you are. Did you and dad talk about anything when I was showing Sherry to the guest room?"

 

 

Right now he had the option of either telling him what they discussed or pretending that nothing was said. Not that he was one to enjoy lying to his children (unless necessary) but this was a tender situation. Rick had to tread lightly.

 

  
"We did but you don't need to concern yourself with it." Rick murmured while he opened the cartons of warm food.

 

  
"Obviously it was something because he hasn't even left the guest room.."

 

  
"I know."

 

  
Carl didn't want to press the conversation any further so he continued plating food for himself. He shot a text up to Negan so he could come down and get some food.

 

 

Not even two minutes later there was Negan strolling through the kitchen like he still lived there and grabbing two plates from the cupboards. It was obvious he was bringing food up to Sherry which was annoying, she could get her own. And if she was going to be staying at the house then why she'd have to be more awkward about this. Rick was having a hard time avoiding eye contact so he gave into it. His heart was pumping fast in his chest and Rick felt an urge to reach across the island.

 

  
Without even saying much other than "pass me the chicken balls" Negan left the room holding onto two different plates.

 

  
And they were off to such a great start.

 

* * *

 

 

After filling up on some delicious food Rick retired to his room so he could get some much needed rest. Since it was the holidays he wanted to make it enjoyable for the children and that was about it. Even though Carl was older and didn't care about it (so he says) all that much it became more for Judy. She deserved to have a normal holiday break.

 

Ricks hair was still wet from the brief shower he took twenty minutes ago , he ran his hands through his brown curls and felt the wetness on his fingers. Sometimes he liked the way it felt when his skin was soaked, while the smell of his body wash lingered on him. For a while after the divorce he lost his confidence. And quite frankly he felt worthless and ugly. So needless to say Rick tended to revel in the moments he felt sexy or just simply attractive.

 

  
He heard the door knob turn and moments later the door opened. What he was expecting to be Judith turned out to be Negan. At first he wanted to tell him to get the fuck out of the room because he wanted to be alone. But Rick was curious as to why he was coming in uninvited for that matter.

 

  
"Oh shit, you're awake." Negan chuckled under his breath. "Totally thought you passed out."

 

  
"Nope, still awake. I can't sleep."

 

  
Negan closed the door behind him, "Believe it or not I couldn't sleep either.. and I was bored so I thought I'd come on in."

 

  
"How polite of you." Rick sighed.

 

 

"Well you know me baby, I ain't polite at all."

 

 

"Please don't call me that."

 

  
"What?" Negan had a confused expression on his face. "You mean 'baby'? Why not? "

 

  
"We ain't together no more and you're dating someone.. whose sleepin' in the other room."

 

 

"You think I don't know she's screwing her husband still?"

 

  
Ricks eye brows knitted together, "She has a husband?"

 

  
"They're separated.. "

 

 

  
"You know how I fuckin' feel when it comes to this and you bring this type of situation into my house? After what happened with Shane and Lori I would think you would have more damn sense." Rick hissed.

 

  
Negan put his hands up in a fake surrender, "I know, I know but she's -"

 

 

  
"If you say she's hot then you can leave my room."

 

 

  
"What I was going to say before you so fucking rudely interrupted is that she's easy to be with, besides the fact she's still married."

 

 

  
That made sense in a way but it still reminded Rick of what happened in his previous marriage, how it ended in heart ache not only from the affair, but how both his best friend and wife died not long after Judith's birth. It was a car accident on the high way, drunk driving incident. And Rick wasn't the same after that.

 

 

  
Rick sighed, "And? What's that got to do with why you're in here?"

 

 

  
"I already told you that I'm bored."

 

 

  
"That's bullshit 'cause you could just watch a movie or play on your phone, why did you really come in here?" Rick asked slowly.

 

 

 

"Maybe I missed our old room, maybe I miss you." Negan was now biting his bottom lip.

 

 

"You didn't and you don't."

 

 

Negan was soon crawling into his bed with a sly grin on his face. And without any other notice he started peppering kisses against Rick's neck. He felt a moan trying to escape his lips which was pathetic because they weren't even doing anything heavy.

 

 

"We can't.. I already can't move on, don't make this any harder on me." Rick breathed out and was arching his back when hands were fumbling under the sheets.

 

 

  
"This doesn't have to mean anything, it can just be us fooling around."

 

 

  
When you don't expect something it sometimes can throw you around like strong winds. And that was one of those things for Rick. To be told that whatever was happening could be just sex, that it didn't have to mean a damn thing.. was.. hurtful. Rick was accepting that moving on was likely not going to happen, but having reminders of what he still wants didn't help matters. He pushed Negans hand away quickly.

 

 

  
Negan tried to lean in again but stopped when he saw the younger mans discomfort. "That was a bit of an asshole thing to say."

 

 

"Yeah, well.. " Rick sniffed. "You're real fuckin' good at that. Go back to your room, lay with Sherry.. _you're perfect for each other._ "

 

  
"I guess we are."

 

  
Rick was waiting until he left the room so the tears could leak out of his eyes, so he could sob into his pillow, so he could cry himself to sleep.

* * *

 

Christmas Eve had finally come but this day was going to be spent apart because Rick didn't want to do an awkward dinner twice. The kids went with him to Tara and Rosita's since they were having a huge dinner with the extended family. And since Sophia would be there it wouldn't be Carl stuck in a room full of adults. Rick had needed some much needed time with someone other than his kids, if he was being entirely honest.

 

  
Since they were all asked to bring something just for contribution purposes (also because Tara hated cooking) Rick made two big dishes of his grandma's stuffing. There were a lot of cars parked around the medium sized home so he chose a random spot. He told Carl that it was possible he might have to drive them home due to him possibly drinking, and he was okay with that.

 

 

  
They all got out of the car then headed towards the front steps and before Rick could knock the door was opening wide. There was Rosita who looked excited.

 

 

  
"You know you don't need to knock right?" Rosita smiled.

 

 

  
"I know but you know me."

 

 

  
She nodded once, "I sure do. Come on in and by the way the stuffing looks delicious. I made some as well but there's so many damn people here.. we needed the extra food."

 

 

  
Rick stepped inside with the kids, immediately sounds of multiple people talking at the same time and various laughter flooded his ears. He did a silent count of the couples: Rosita and Tara, Abraham and Sasha, Daryl and Jesus, Maggie and Glenn, Carol and Ezekiel, Michonne and Andrea. The only people who weren't here with someone were Beth, Eugene, Morgan, Carl, Sophia and himself.

 

 

  
"Look who finally joined the party." Andrea came out of nowhere and nudged him against the shoulder. "You didn't bring Negan I see.."

 

 

  
"No. He's with Sherry at her best friends place or whatever."

 

 

  
Andrea sighed and handed him her glass of wine, "Here, you need this more than me. Plus this is my fourth and I think Michonne wants me to eat before I drink some more."

 

 

  
"Thanks." Rick chugged it back, thankfully it was white wine because red wasn't his favorite.

 

 

  
"Woah there, looks like we both need to slow down."

 

 

  
"Sorry."

 

 

  
"No." Andrea put her hand on his shoulder gently and squeezed. "I'm sorry that you have to endure his bullshit still. Don't bother telling me he's been a peach 'cause let's face it, he's far from one."

 

 

  
If there was anyone who would tell it like it is then that person was Andrea. She always had that way about her, that brutal honesty that packed a mean punch.

 

 

  
"I'll tell you more later." Rick said.

 

 

  
"I know you will, now c'mon let's get some food in your stomach."

 

 

Everyone was having a great evening together, there was so much joy in the room despite all of their hardships. Rick didn't feel as alone when he was around all these people that he called his second family. They all had been at his wedding and he couldn't have imagined better people to spend today with. Carl was sitting next to Michonne who was laughing, and he was seated next to Beth. Who happened to be especially close to Negan. She was probably the only one there who didn't want to slap him with raw turkey.

 

 

  
"So he did bring his new girlfriend with him?" Beth asked.

 

 

  
Rick took a bite out of the biscuits that Carol brought. "Yeah."

 

 

  
"Don't tell him that I told you this but he almost didn't bring her."

 

 

  
"What?"

 

 

  
"Yeah." Beth said quietly. "He planned to come alone at first until she pushed him to bring her along."

 

 

  
"When did he tell you this?" Rick inquired.

 

 

  
"A couple days before he came, he texted me and ranted a little bit.. said he was nervous to come here."

 

 

What Rick wanted to say was that he deserved to feel like shit for bringing his possessive girlfriend, that he should feel bad about everything. Yet there was no point in saying any of that. It wouldn't bring him any long term joy.

 

 

  
"I don't know what to say to that."

 

 

  
Beth's eyes were glistening, "Sorry, I shoulda just kept that to myself."

 

 

He could tell that she was feeling extremely bad for mentioning that in the first place. It wasn't coming from a place of trying to stir up drama, she just wanted to help; just like everyone else. Fact of the matter was that Negan hurt and was still doing so.

 

 

  
Once everyone at the table was finished eating they got started on the dishes because no one wanted to leave it all to one person. Michonne took on the job of washing, Rick dried the dishes, and Carl put them away.

 

 

  
"Alright you've barely said a word this whole evening, now I saw Andrea talking to you so spill." Michonne whispered.

 

 

  
"My lips are sealed." Rick chuckled before he felt a playful hip bump.

 

 

  
"Spill."

 

 

  
"Alright, so Negans here for the rest of the holidays.. he brought his girlfriend -"

 

 

  
Carl scoffed from the other side of him.

 

 

  
"Anyways. He brought his girlfriend who apparently doesn't like kids, has a husband that she hasn't stopped sleepin with and he knows all of it yet still stays with her. He says its easy with her."

 

 

  
Michonne sighed, "I'm gonna say this and you need to listen. Maybe it is easy with her, maybe he enjoys her company.. as a distraction. The way your marriage fell apart was heart breaking, for you and all of us to witness. And Negan didn't treat you good up until the end, believe me when I say I wanted to knock those teeth of his out. But you're a survivor Rick, you've always been one. It's obvious that he doesn't love her, though the question you need to ask yourself is does he still love you or does he love what's familiar?"

 

 

  
"You always make me think, thank you."

 

 

  
"We all just want what's best for you, Rick."

 

 

  
Some time past midnight is when everyone decided it was time to go home, Rick was stuffed and definitely did have a couple drinks. He got Carl to drive as originally planned. When they got inside Negan and Sherry were already back at the house, they were curled up watching a movie on Netflix. Whether it was the booze, jealousy or whatever else combined Rick felt bile rising from his stomach to throat. This wasn't at all what he fucking wanted to see on Christmas Day. And he had so many things to do so it added to the stress.

 

 

  
Both Rick and Carl turned around with annoyed looks on their faces (obviously for totally separate reasons) then made their way to the kitchen. Carl assured him that the turkey was thawed out for tomorrow and that they had everything so he could go to bed.

 

 

 

Rick dragged himself upstairs to his bedroom where he flopped onto his bed, pretended he didn't see Negan cuddled up to Sherry, and fell asleep.

 

* * *

 

His arm was suddenly being shaken intensely and Negan woke up to find his daughter staring at him with wide eyes. She was jumping all over the place with one of her teddy bears in hand. Negan was well aware of what day it was and why she was in the room so early in the morning.

 

 

  
"Woah, what time could it possibly be sweetheart?" Negan pretended to be curious just for her amusement.

 

 

  
"Daddy, don't be silly."

 

 

  
"Silly? Me?" Negan reached out for her and started to tickle her. "What day is it?"

 

 

  
"Christmas morning!"

 

 

  
Negan could tell with absolute certainty that Sherry was annoyed because she had the blanket over her head. And she was leaning as far away from him as possible. But he couldn't give two flying fuckity fucks about that. Being able to see his kids early in the morning again was a gift in itself. Even if Carl was extremely disappointed in him.

 

 

  
He padded down the hallway with Judith in his arms and made his way downstairs. They were both yawning at the same time when they reached the bottom. Negan walked into the living room to find Carl staring at the gifts. While he was no longer a child he still had a child like excitement to open gifts.

 

 

  
"Open mine first 'cause they're the best gifts here." Negan said.

 

 

  
Carl rolled his eyes while shifting through the gifts under the tree to find his own. And sure enough he did find a handful. He passed all of Judith's over to the front of the couch she was sitting in and she ripped through them like a tornado. Everyone paused for a second to admire that.

 

 

  
"WOW the land before time!" Judith practically yelled.

 

 

  
"It's a box set so it's every land before time ever made."

 

 

  
She grinned from ear to eager then hugged him tightly around the waist, her arms barely wrapped around. "Thank you papa!"

 

 

  
"You're so welcome honey. Open up the rest of your gifts okay?" Negan helped lift the bigger gift into her lap.

 

 

  
Carl had gotten distracted from his little sister's gift opening that he had completely forgotten about his own. Turns out he got some decent gifts himself, from some horror video games, to a new knife set for cooking, and a handful of other things he really wanted.

 

 

  
"Thanks, dad." He smiled

 

 

  
"Of course buddy, now why don't you open the other gifts from your dad." Negan pointed towards the gifts that Rick got him.

 

 

  
Sometimes he did steal the spotlight a little bit too much and Negan could tell that bothered the hell out of Rick still. Even when they were married he tended to be the center of attention. And he wasn't always trying to be. But it was something he never fucking worked on, not even when he was with Lucille. She didn't put up with his bullshit either which is why that ended in divorce. He remembered the day that Lucille texted him saying that she was getting remarried and to never contact her again. Now years and years down the road Negan was divorced again.

 

 

  
Negan strolled into the kitchen just to see if Rick wanted any help with preparing the food, he saw Rick seasoning the turkey. His hands were massaging the spices and herbs all over the turkey, from the top, all around, even underneath it. When they were together he wasn't always the best cook but Negan taught him a thing or two. And now Carl was into cooking and made a mean home made lasagna.

 

 

  
"Where's your kiss the cook apron?" Negan teased but didn't even get laughter out of the younger man.

 

 

  
"Even if I had one, I wouldn't wear it around you."

 

 

  
Ouch, he really fucking deserved that shit didn't he?

 

 

  
Negan cackled lightly, "I deserve that, I'll fucking admit it."

 

 

  
"Wow you're admittin' to shit? That's a shock." Rick wasn't even looking away from the vegetables he was cutting up. He threw the onions into the extremely large pan and swished them around with the other seasoned vegetables. And then threw some other fresh herbs in.

 

 

"Look, about the other night.. can we just forget it? It wasn't right for me to do that."

 

 

  
Rick shrugged nonchalantly, "It's already forgotten."

 

 

 

"Okay, can I help you with anything right now? Cooking? Cleaning?"

 

 

  
"No."

 

 

  
"You sure? Need anything from any store **at all**?"

 

 

  
Rick mumbled something along the lines of 'no, so please leave me alone.'

 

 

  
"If you need me to do anything for you today just ask me and I'll get right on." Negan reminded him before exiting the kitchen.

 

 

 

Right now Negan needed to go for a drive and maybe he would go see Beth who had texted him earlier to ask what was happening.  She apparently wasn't going to Maggie's for dinner because of a fight she had with her dad. So Negan thought he might be able to convince her to go.  The drive wasn't that long because she lived close by in a small house with her room mate Noah who she insisted she wasn't dating.  He pulled up outside and parked his baby (aka his '67 Chevy Impala) then got out of the car. 

 

 

 

  
Beth saw him through the front window then opened the door before he even got close.

 

 

  
"I'm an old man, not a spring chicken like you so slow your fucking roll."

 

 

  
Beth sighed at his comment, "You're such a damn idiot."

 

 

  
Her house was spotless, decorated yet there wasn't even a tree in sight. Apparently Beth hated when her cat bit on the tree so she stopped putting it up.

 

 

  
"Did Rick not need you at the house?" She asked as she poured him some lemonade.

 

 

  
"Apparently not. He practically asked me to leave him the fuck alone."

 

 

  
Beth's face was neutral like she knew something but wasn't letting on. "Is that so?"

 

 

  
"You know something."

 

 

  
"No, I totally don't."

 

 

  
He narrowed his eyes in a playful sort of manner, "Tell me."

 

 

  
"It's just that Rick's confused and he didn't even want me to mention that you almost decided not to bring Sherry. Which I think you shoulda left her at home."

 

 

  
Negan knew that would have been the wiser choice but he was a fucking idiot. "Yeah, maybe I shoulda done that shit. I just wanted to prove a stupid ass point."

 

 

  
"You don't even love her and she's only with you 'cause she can't even get her own life together."

 

 

  
"That pretty much sums it up, her husband fucking hates me.. which I mean who doesn't hate my guts in this fucking town."

 

 

  
"Why wouldn't they?" Beth folded her arms. "The way you left Rick was fuckin' shitty."

 

 

  
"Shit, I swear you got the cussing from me."

 

 

  
"Shut up and let me finish." Beth tried to be serious. "He deserved better than what you did to him, I love you but your excuse to get a divorce was fuckin' dumb, and you know it. "

 

 

"Well what the fuck can I do now? It's over."

 

 

  
"If you want him back then work for it. Plain n' simple." Beth stated.

 

 

* * *

 

  
Dinner was laid out perfectly on the table, there was a glorious looking turkey and a ton of fixings. Negan was sitting beside Sherry who was pretending to enjoy herself and Judy had anticipation all over her face.

 

 

  
Rick told everyone to dig in and they all started taking pieces of turkey, mashed potatoes, biscuits and everything in between.

 

 

  
Twenty minutes went by in the dinner, the adults were sipping wine while Carl had a non alcoholic spritzer. No one was even making any noises outside of the chomping of food and occasional sips of their drinks. It was becoming such a dull dinner that Negan almost wanted something dramatic to happen. He never had an expectation of this being anything short of awkward. Rick really wasn't making any eye contact not even when he asked him to pass the gravy.

 

 

  
"I'm thinking about applying for a kitchen helper job at Dale's but I'll still work on Hershel's farm occasionally." Carl tried to lighten the mood.

 

 

  
Negan felt a sense of pride flood through him, "Well shit, when did you decide this?"

 

 

  
"Last week or so, there was a job posting."

 

 

  
"I think it's a great idea." Rick said.

 

 

  
"So do I." Sherry feigned support.

 

 

  
"No one cares what you think." Carl said boldly. "Literally the only reason you're here is because my dad is trying to make my dad jealous."

 

 

  
"Carl! That's really fucking rude. "

 

 

  
"Well I don't give a shit! That's why you brought her isn't it? " Carl yelled which startled Judith who was just casually eating her turkey.

 

 

 

This whole night wasn't turning into a damn nightmare what with his son yelling at his ex husband and basically making it obvious that Rick was talking about shit with him.

 

 

  
"I need to get some air." Rick said quietly before leaving the kitchen table with his glass of wine.

 

 

 

There was absolutely no way that he'd get through this night without the wine and the stress was getting to him.

 

 

  
Just when he thought he could get away from the madness Negan seemed to have followed him outside. Why was it whenever Rick thought he could relax or get a moment of peace there his ex was, waiting to ruin his life further.

 

 

  
"What the fuck was that back there? Are you telling him that shit?" Negan asked angrily. "If you are then you're pitting our kids against each other and that's fucking shady."

 

 

  
"Fuck you." Rick seethed.

 

 

  
"What?"

 

 

  
"I'm sick of your shit, always talkin' to me like I ruined our marriage! When you're the one who fucked me over and now you suddenly give a damn about Carl and Judith?"

 

 

  
Negan stepped towards him and towered over him deliberately, "Don't. you . ever act like I don't love or care about them. "

 

 

  
"Every night after you left Judith would ask where you were and I'd lie, tell her that you'd be back soon. Then two months went by, you barely called so I told her that you left us. I had no clue when you'd come back to me, to us. Once you did come back you were sayin' you wanted a divorce. And for what? Because you couldn't just get the fuck over Lucille? Her leavin' you had nothin' to do with me."

 

 

  
"Low fucking blow, Rick." Negan said before going back inside the house.

 

 

  
And Christmas dinner was officially fucking ruined, it went from awkward to a car crash in no damn time.

 

* * *

 

  
It was foolish to even think that Negan would stay at the house until New Years Eve without there being any issues. From the moment he arrived it was just chaotic and emotionally exhausting. And that was just him in general, he caused a raging storm inside of Rick that just couldn't be quelled. Rick had no longer what the fuck to do anymore. Nothing made any damn sense with him and nothing made sense without him. He just felt confused about what the meant exactly, it was complete contradictory.

 

 

  
The rest of the week was really long, Rick barely slept a wink but still got things done around the house. And Carl wasn't sorry about what he said which Rick was actually thankful for. Why should he apologize to her? He understood that it made him look like a petty person.

 

 

  
Rick sat outside on the day before New Years Eve while the sun was setting. He stared at the blending of colors in the sky, the pink was bleeding into the light orange. This was probably the most peace he'd felt in days and yet he still wasn't satisfied. Was this truly going to be the rest of his life? Waiting around for a man who will probably move on, hoping he comes home even after leaving Rick. And he was the first to admit how desperate he was to have Negan again. But desperation was a tricky bitch because you ignore all the warning signs usually, you forget why you're desperate in the first place.

 

 

  
As he continued to sit outside even after the sunset faded into black, Rick was beginning to remember something he was told years ago. How when you have something that makes you happy you need to hold onto it. And then he started thinking of Negan and he was feeling good until memories of those last six months of their marriage came crashing in. They weren't living a lie, he wasn't being cheated on the whole time, it's just one day Negan got overwhelmed. That was his literal explanation. Rick would have preferred to be told that he was having an affair, that he found comfort in someone else. Just like Lori had revealed one day.

 

 

 

He didn't even hate Lori or Shane after what happened but he wasn't ready to give up on his marriage.

 

 

  
The day Lori delivered Judith was wonderful and at the same time terrible because Rick was aware she wasn't his. And even when he held her in his arms, all he could see was Shane. His best friend who was in the room.

 

 

  
One night she was driving back to the house after having a talk with Shane. Still to this day Rick had no clue if she was ending things with him or Shane and then a drunk driver hit them and the accident was brutal. According to the respondents neither of them suffered very much. Rick could recall how much he sobbed for them both, the howling that came out of his mouth was almost inhuman. 

 

 

  
His phone was in his hands and Rick scrolled to Negan in his contact list then started sending him a text.

 

 

  
_Rick: Hey. There's a party @ Michonne/Andrea'_ _s tomorrow, if you want to come to it without Sherry you can._

 

 

  
_Negan: Sure, see ya then._

 

 

* * *

 

  
"Everyone drink up! We bought a lot of booze! Remember if you have to puke make sure it's in the toilet, not on my floor." Andrea reminded.

 

 

Rick gave Andrea a thumbs up from across the room to show he was going to enjoy himself. And he definitely was starting to. It was a kid free night, in fact Carl was having a pizza night with Sophia. At least that's what he was told would be happening. In order for him to have a good night that would consist of a lot of booze. He poured himself drink after drink, trying to drown out the white noise. There was no sign of Negan whatsoever which was probably for the best.

 

 

  
"Is Negan coming?" Beth asked curiously. "He texted me sayin' he would be here in twenty minutes but that was an hour and a half ago."

 

 

  
"I don't know." Rick slurred.

 

 

  
"I'm sure he'll show up, he's got somethin' he wants to tell you."

 

 

  
The music was starting to drown everything out and Rick knew exactly what song was playing. And the only reason he knew was because of Carl.

 

 

_"I don't know if you could take it_

  
_Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked_

  
_I wanna be your baby, baby, baby"_

 

 

  
Rick was bobbing to the very explicit song, he almost felt like he could start dancing. But he would embarrass himself.

 

 

  
"You enjoying yourself ? Everyone looks drunk as fuck already." Negan exclaimed from behind Rick.

 

 

  
"Why are you here so late?"

 

 

  
"Had to tie up some loose ends, speaking of which.. can we talk alone somewhere? Not that there's much option for that here."

 

 

  
At first Rick had this weird skepticism rush over him and still he followed Negan in a random section of the house. Music could still be heard in the room they were standing inside but no one was coming their way.

 

 

  
"What'd you want to discuss ? Hm? I'm tryna have a good time." Rick's words were slurring and the liquor was making him sway.

 

 

  
Negan didn't bother hiding any of the amusement he was feeling. "Well I'll just flat out say this shit then, I dumped Sherry. It happened a day or so ago, she didn't hesitate much to run back to her husband."

 

 

  
"Oh."

 

 

  
"Oh? That's all you have to fucking say to me? I did that shit for you."

 

 

 

Rick was confused now, "For me?"

 

 

 

"Why is that so god damn hard to believe?"

 

 

  
"You think I'm gonna forgive you just like that?" Rick started laughing. "Sometimes you're unbelievable."

 

 

  
Negan huffed, "So what? You don't want me back?"

 

 

  
"The problem is that I still do, even after what you did to me."

 

 

  
"What the fuck does that mean? I know I made a mistake.. "

 

 

  
The way Negan was phrasing that almost made it sound like he did something minimal, a thing that could be remedied easily. But it really can't and shouldn't be so simple. Rick was ready to leave the room until a hand grasped at his wrist.

 

 

  
"Let me leave." Rick mumbled.

 

 

  
"No, not until you tell me why you won't let me fix this."

 

 

  
"Do you even still love me?"

 

 

  
Negan let go out of the younger mans wrist and his words were caught in his throat. It felt like being blind sided.

 

 

  
"That's what I thought, you can't even tell me that you still love me.. we're goin' into a new year and you're still confused."

 

 

  
"I'm not confused but I'm fucking scared." Negan managed to say.

 

 

  
Rick didn't even know he was crying until the tears started to wet his cheeks like rain drops. What was he expecting the other man to say? That he wanted to get back together right that minute? Even if he did say that it wouldn't even matter anyways because that wasn't what would fix them.

 

 

  
"Darling it's okay." Negan walked towards him so he could hold Rick in his arms. "Just let me hold you."

 

 

  
"Nooo , please."

 

 

  
He watched Rick tremble intensely then sink to the hard wood floor and that's when he dove in. Watching him in that state was leaving a pain in his chest so he had to do something. Negan had his hands around Rick's body and fingers were digging into his back.

 

 

  
This was the person he'd destroyed with his own stupid fucking behavior, the most beautiful person Negan ever laid eyes on. His hands were holding onto Rick so tight that he could pop him like a balloon. All the love he still felt for him was pouring out into this hug and he hoped that it was palpable.

 

 

  
Negan pressed his mouth close the other mans ear. "Oh god, Rick.. I love you so much.. I really do."

 

 

  
"No." Rick fought against him. "You don't."

 

 

  
"Shhh, yes, I do."

 

 

  
Rick started sobbing into his neck with full force and it started to make him cry so hard that it physically hurt.

 

 

  
Outside of the room the countdown was happening. "Five, Four, Three, Two, One.. HAPPY NEW YEAR."

 

 

  
Everyone was yelling inside of the house, feeling the joy and excitement for a brand new year. And yet Rick had absolutely no excitement in his bones, nothing felt right or good, he didn't want to leave Negans arm yet.

 

 

  
Truth be told he was scared if he did that it would all be over, that they would separate again. Which might be the best in some way but Rick couldn't bring himself to walk away or say that it didn't matter. Because it really did and he loved him just as much as he always has.

 

 

  
"I love you too but Negan, I don't know if it's enough." Rick's tears were still wetting the grey t-shirt he was pressed against.

 

 

  
Negan nodded, "I know darling.. I know."

 

 

  
They stayed in that position for a while even after the tears dried and stopped flowing because Rick still had no idea what they should do. And if it would result in anything good if they did something. His heart was breaking in slow motion again no matter what they chose.

 

 


	2. What Kind Of Fool Am I?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a look back on their relationship prior to the divorce, i just thought i would follow up on this fic for the hell of it.

_The smell of waffles was lingering in the air as Negan started to wake up in the bed, his mouth was almost watering just thinking about it. He didn't exactly deserve it or deserve any good treatment but Rick was trying. At the very least his husband was trying to make him feel happy in their marriage again. Which should count for something, in fact it should mean the world._

 

_Negan put on some pajama pants and a baggy t-shirt then walked into the kitchen where everyone was lounging around. "Morning."_

 

_"Morning papa!" Judy grinned._

 

_"Did you sleep okay last night? No more nightmares about zombies?"_

 

_"I didn't wake up at all and I had no nightmares."_

 

_"That's good honey." Negan padded over to his daughter and kissed the top of her wavy blonde head._

 

  
_He glanced over at Rick who was busy making breakfast for everyone, their eyes locked for not even a second then he went back to flipping bacon. Negan knew they were slowly sinking and they were still trying to hold on. There wasn't even a question on if he still loved Rick but so many things were causing him to pull away from the one person who didn't deserve it._

 

_Everything felt overwhelming and even though it was pathetic he found himself looking at Lucille's Facebook every so often. She got remarried to some fucking gorgeous Japanese woman who apparently makes her happier than he ever did. Those were her words the very last time he tried to reach out for casual reasons and that was the day Lucille said for him never to contact her again. He sat down at the table then searched her profile up again only to see pictures of her pregnant, apparently she found a sperm donor and her and her wife were having their first child. And it wasn't that he wanted to be with her again or that he still loved her but it made him wonder if he was ever enough._

 

  
_"Are we still going to Beth's mini concert tonight?" Carl asked._

 

  
_"Yeah son, we are." Rick responded, there was no emotion in his voice. "You don't work today?"_

 

  
_"Actually dad, I quit my job at Gareth's pizzeria."_

 

_"Wait what?"_

 

_Carl deeply sighed, "I've been miserable there for a while and they were giving me less and less hours so I just quit."_

 

  
_"Why didn't you tell us?" Negan asked with a furrowed brow._

 

  
_"I didn't want you to be disappointed in me."_

 

  
_Rick brought the plate of waffles over to the table alongside a plate of bacon. "Don't ever think you can't come to either of us with anythin'..okay? We're your parents and we love you."_

 

_"I know."_

* * *

 

 

  
_"Can we please not do this right now? Tonight is about Beth so don't fucking ruin it for everyone."_

 

  
_Rick glared at his husband, "Whatever you say."_

 

_"Don't act like I'm the fucking bad guy all the time."_

 

_"I'll only stop doin' that when that's no longer the case."_

 

_They were having a fight once again in front of Carl who thankfully had his noise canceling headphones on and was passed out in the backseat. Since the concert wouldn't be enjoyable for Judith she was being watched by Andrea._

 

_"All I do in this marriage is try my god damn hardest but you just don't appreciate it, ever. There's been so many times where I coulda walked out on you but I love you too much to be selfish like that."_

 

_"Do you want the husband of the year award?" Rick scoffed. "I don't ask you to stay in this miserable ass marriage."_

 

  
_And that was the truth because Rick was never begging him to stay or forcing him in some way. Every time he convinced himself to stay it was always Negans own decision and his alone. They didn't need to be married or in the same house for him to see the kids, he just loved Rick and wanted it to work. But all his hang ups weren't letting him be a fucking good husband, his hang ups were fucking everything up. What could he really say to the man who had done nothing but wrap him warmth and understanding?_

 

_"No you don't but I do it because we both deserve that much." Negan tried to reach his hand out but pulled it back in. "Let's just have one night that doesn't turn into a fucking shit show."_

 

  
_Rick just looked at him the turned to stare out the car window as they passed by streetlights and passerby's._

 

* * *

 

_The coffee shop was completely full to the point where Negan didn't know if they would have seats but being best friends with the performer was a perk. Beth found them standing around and ushered them towards the "VIP" table. Which was at the upper level of the rather large coffee shop._

 

_"Thanks for showin' up, I don't know if I woulda been able to do this if it was just Maggie and Glenn here." Beth smiled. "Well at least I got some liquid courage."_

 

_Negan howled with laughter, "You're fucking drunk at a coffee shop?"_

 

_"Not drunk but I'm tipsy, it's some moonshine that Daryl gave to me for a good luck gift. He couldn't stay 'cause Pauls got the flu at home and is throwin' up almost every few minutes."_

 

_"You'll do fine out there." Rick rubbed her shoulder briefly._

 

_"Want some? You look a little stressed."_

 

_Before Rick could respond the host was finally calling Beth out to come perform and everyone was cheering so loud he could barely hear himself think. He glanced down at the flask that was on the table but somehow resisting was..difficult._

 

_"Hey ya'll, thanks for the support whether its attending my other performances or sending me messages. Now tonight I'm gonna start off with a song that ain't mine but I wish it was."_

 

_Beth strummed her guitar then began singing._

 

  
_I was on my way to you_

_And I was worried_

_I was all torn up and nervous 'cause I knew that you'd be gone_

  
_I knocked and crossed my fingers while I waited_

_And I couldn't hold the tear drops_

_When I walked away alone_

_It's all over_

_It's all over_

_My heart echoed it's all over'_

  
_The concert was 20 minutes in and Rick disappeared to the rest room with the flask so he could at least get a few sips in. His marriage was probably over even though neither of them wanted to admit to that. Every day he could feel Negan slipping away from him and all that happiness they once had was dangling by strings. Rick took one swig of the potent moonshine, it was some of the strongest he'd ever drank. It made him wonder why Daryl was still making this or why he was still buying it. He could hear another song being played and obviously Beth was into singing tragic songs tonight._

__

 

_Come on skinny love just last the year_

  
_Pour a little salt we were never here_

  
_My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my_

  
_Staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer_

 

_I tell my love to wreck it all_

  
_Cut out all the ropes and let me fall_

 

 

_Thinking back to when they were happiest was the worst thing that Rick could do himself, it was like lighting himself on fire. After drinking way too much moon shine he ended up sinking down to the rest room floor. His seclusion was cut short when Negan came in to see where the hell he was._

 

_"What the fuck are you doing in here?"_

 

  
_Rick flipped him off before replying, "I'm drinkin' what else would I be doin' with this flask?"_

 

  
_"Oh my fucking god. Could you be more predictable? I mean seriously Rick, this is Beth's event and she wanted you here for support."_

 

  
_"I came and I can still hear her..she sounds great but I will have to mention that her song choices make me wanna drink."_

 

_Negan squatted down in front of him with a look of pity on his face, "Lemme help you help, okay?"_

 

_"No! Just leave me the hell alone."_

 

  
_"You're coming back out there right the fuck now."_

 

  
_They wrestled a little bit until Rick was straddling his lap a little aggressively. His hands were resting on the younger mans sides and he didn't want Rick to do something he'd regret. Negan tried to set him off delicately but Rick started grinding just like he enjoyed, he was moaning into his neck._

 

_"Baby let's just stop before we caught." Negan whispered. "You don't want this right now, you're just drunk."_

 

  
_"I-I want you..please just let me have this..it hurts Negan..it fuckin' hurts."_

 

_He knew exactly what Rick was talking about when he said 'it' hurts..he meant the pain that Negan was causing him._

 

_Negan started kissing his husband, holding back sides of his face just like he used to. Then their pants were coming off and they began to grind their boners together. He was hard enough to crack steel so he got Rick to lift up so he could position himself._

 

_"Slide down baby."_

 

_"Okay." Rick responded breathlessly._

 

_He was filling Rick up completely and started thrusting up viciously because that was the only type of sex they could have lately. Being delicate and loving wasn't even what Rick wanted apparently. Rick started bouncing hard with no intent of slowing down or being quiet since the coffee house was filled with Beth's singing._

 

_What the fuck were they becoming?_

 

* * *

 

 

_"Dad, why did you get so drunk?" Carl asked once they got back home._

 

_"Does it matter?"_

 

_"I think I'm gonna stay the night at Enid's because I just don't wanna listen to you both fight tonight."_

 

_"No no, we won't..I promise." Rick slurred._

 

_"You will and I'm tired of listening to it so I'll be at Enid's if you need me. I'll come home in the morning."_

 

 

_Rick stumbled into the kitchen to look for a snack and found a half eaten bag of Cheetos._

 

  
_"Where the hell did Carl go?" Negan asked from the other side of the pantry door._

 

  
_"He went to Enid's."_

 

  
_"Why?"_

 

_"Apparently he didn't wanna hear us fight again." Rick explained. "I can't blame him."_

 

_Negan hated the idea of making Carl not feel relaxed in his own home and he was apart of the reason. Why couldn't he get it together and face his problems with Rick? It sounded so simple when he thought of it. But it really wasn't all that simple and in fact it was really fucking hard. And he didn't really have a good reason for withdrawing the way he had been for months._

 

  
_"Why do you hate me so much?" Rick asked, the hurt was noticeable in his voice._

 

_"I don't hate you.. that's from what the problem is."_

 

_"We just don't talk like we used to, we don't touch like we used to and I know you're gonna leave me."_

 

_Right when Negan heard that he wanted to tell his husband that he wouldn't go anywhere, that he wouldn't think about it again, that they would be okay and he would make it work. If he said any of that it would be a flat out lie because he couldn't promise Rick anything._

 

_"I can't promise you anything, Rick. I want to be able to promise that I won't fucking leave or need time." Negan had a grip on Rick's hand that tightened. "Let's go to bed and we'll talk about counseling maybe? Or I don't fucking know."_

 

  
_"Just um -" Rick pinched the bridge of his nose. "go to bed by yourself and I'll sleep on the couch."_

 

  
_"Rick.."_

 

_"I'll be fine."_

 

_He could chase after him and tell him to come to bed, maybe beg Rick to let him cuddle him tonight but he wasn't going to. He had to let Rick decide if he wanted that, he had to let it be for now._

 


	3. When We're Face to Face

After the New Years party Rick decided that it might be a good idea to invite Negan to stay a couple of nights at the house. Since Judith really wanted him there longer than he had been during the holidays and because they needed to talk. Obviously Rick wouldn't pass up that chance even if it was small or impossible so he made sure that it was just them for at least one night.

 

 

Rick plated their food then sat down to finally have a one on one with his ex husband. "Do you actually wanna get back together?"

 

 

  
"I already told you where I stand with this, I broke up with Sherry because I fucking want you back. And I fucked up the last time but I need to make it right baby."

 

 

  
"It just can't be that easy, y'know that right?" Rick murmured.

 

 

  
"Obviously I fucking get that but give me a bit of a break here. I'm trying my god damn hardest but you just don't wanna give me any credit, it's just you blaming me for all our problems."

 

 

"The reason I blame you is 'cause you're to blame in the first damn place!" Rick slammed his hands on the table, he didn't want to get this angry but listening to Negan act like he didn't do anything was grating his last nerve.

 

 

  
"Is this whole dinner gonna be you yelling at me like I'm a child?"

 

 

  
"Is this whole dinner gonna be you actin' like a child?"

 

 

They stared at each other with intense looks that started making Ricks skin feel hot and it was then that he realized what would happen next. He shifted in his chair then adjusted his bulge.

 

 

Negan quirked an eyebrow, "Are you fucking hard for me right now?"

 

 

  
"Shut the hell up."

 

 

"Some things never change baby, just like how you get so god damn hard when I yell at you. Do you remember when I fucked you on the kitchen counter when we argued over ordering from that one pizza place.."

 

 

  
"Don't bring things up like this ain't serious..."

 

 

  
"I'm dead fucking serious right now, Rick. You were begging for me to stick my dick in that tight ass, just begging for me to lay you out and give it to you where I make my morning coffee."

 

 

  
Rick got out of his seat to clear their plates because they were definitely not eating like they planned to. And when he turned around to walk towards the sink his waist was being grabbed. "We probably shouldn't."

 

 

  
"You sure?" Negan's squinted and then pulled one of Rick's hands onto the hardness in the front of his jeans. "I could fuck you right in his seat or I could fuck you right on this damn table."

 

 

  
"This won't solve our problems..it-it doesn't mean that we're gettin' back together."

 

 

  
"But you want that, don't you?"

 

 

  
The truth was that Rick did want that so badly that it actually physically hurt but they couldn't erase all the destruction. What he didn't want to do was start sleeping together again and not even establish where they're headed. He just couldn't live like that no matter how easy it would be not to address things. But at the moment desire was taking over so Rick had no choice but to let it win.

 

 

  
Rick sighed, "We should move everythin' off the table, Negan."

 

 

  
"I'm way too fucking hard for that babe."

 

 

  
He pulled the older man into a rough kiss and started taking his own clothes off immediately, shedding his sweatpants alongside his white t-shirt. And before Rick could get to it his boxers were being ripped off, exposing his hard length. They started kissing more aggressively as Rick unbuttoned Negan's jeans then slid them down enough to expose his dick.

 

 

"You loosen that ass up lately?" Negan whispered against his ear before licking along it. "Or will I have to do that?"

 

 

  
"I fingered myself last night."

 

 

  
"Hot fucking damn! Let's get you nice and filled up baby."

 

 

Rick wrapped his legs around his ex husband's waist so he could pull him in closer, he felt the tip near his entrance and he whined a little.

 

 

"Someone's all fucking eager." Negans voice sounded so husky but smooth like silk.

 

 

When Negan slid inside his hole he felt so alive because they'd been apart intimately for so long. The last time they kissed was in the laundry room and that wasn't recent so he was savoring every minute of intimacy. Rick moaned louder and louder as he was fucked roughly on his own kitchen table (that he would have to replace or clean severely at the very least) where he sometimes ate it. He bit onto Negans shoulder with such force that he almost drew blood from the older man. And that's when he started getting pounded like his life depended on it.

 

 

"I fucking love you, Rick." Negan grunted. "I want this to work, I want you."

 

 

  
Rick felt the tears coming like a waterfall, "I love you too."

 

 

  
They didn't last for very long and Negan came inside him while Rick came a little bit on the floor. It really wasn't the craziest place they'd ever had sex but it was on the top of the list definitely. He got them both cleaned up and plopped himself on the couch in the living room where Negan sat on the other end with his legs extended.

 

 

  
"I think it's a good time for us to discuss things and before you tell me again how much of a piece of shit I am, let me say this. What I did to you was one of the most selfish fucking things, I never wanted to hurt the kids..our kids. Dealing with Lucille being remarried brought up things I never dealt with after the divorce. And it isn't to say that you were a rebound because you're so fucking far from that but my issues were buried. I don't deserve you and that's been obvious from the jump but yet you didn't bother to get over me. You coulda had a new partner who loved you properly, who didn't put their own shit ahead of your relationship, who didn't leave for months only to say they wanted a divorce. I will spend the rest of my life apologizing to you but all I ask is that you let me."

 

  
His heart was pumping so slowly that Rick almost felt like his heart stopped in that singular moment. This was all he wanted Negan to say this whole time, to admit how wrong he was, to allow them to both heal from the divorce. And he didn't give a fuck about being petty anymore or being an asshole just for the sake of hurting Negan. He loved this man so much that it had to count for something. It had to be worth a damn.

 

 

  
Rick breathed out for a second to prepare himself. "The day of the divorce..the day I signed the papers I was so broken that I went home, smashed some of our pictures and drank myself into a stupor. I knew I wouldn't survive any of it like I knew I would never get over you no matter how badly I wanted that. It wasn't like I didn't try or didn't make an effort but you're the one person that can destroy me and build me up. If we do this again, if we try to make this work as a couple again I won't let you back in a third time. This is it."

 

 

  
"I swear to fucking everything that I will not fuck it up again."

 

 

  
Both of them were holding onto each others hand so tight that it made them feel like their fingers were breaking. Taking chances was rarely if Rick's forte but he was willing to try. He didn't know for certain whether they would last this time but taking that risk was what he needed to do for himself.

 

 

 

"Okay, Negan. We can try again." Rick smiled with tears flowing out of his eyes. 


End file.
